When you tell people that you’ve been single for four years, or you’ve not kissed a guy in however long, or you’ve not had sex in even longer than that… people kind of look at you like you’re crazy. When you tell them that this past weekend you went to the airport or Capital Radio and stood there for however many hours to meet one of your favourite bands, I’ve found that one of the most common responses is, “you need to get a boyfriend”.
But a boyfriend is one thing I absolutely do not have time for.
First of all, I can’t even imagine balancing an extra person on top of work, managing a household, friends, family, and of course bands and tours and trips to the airport. And I’m pretty sure there isn’t anyone out there that would want to take 10th place to all of those things.
Secondly, from my previous experiences, relationships are fun for a little while, but then it all just falls apart and you argue and you’re miserable and you end up getting hurt. And right now I’m not willing to risk the happiness I’ve found for something like that.
I have been single for about four years now, and to be completely honest, those four years have been the best of my life. I used to think that I needed someone else to be happy, that I needed someone to love me and be there to help me with things like taking my car to the garage and moving the sofa to the other room and getting rid of spiders. It took at least two of the last four years, but I’ve finally learnt that, actually, I can do all of those things on my own… with the occasional bit of help from my friends.
I seem to have a bad habit of attracting guys that, to put it simply, are total douchebags. Maybe not in life all the time, and maybe not towards everyone they meet, but at least they were to me. Maybe that’s something to do with them not being the right person for me, or me for them. I’ve dated guys that broke things off because they “just aren’t feeling it any more”, I’ve been told “don’t worry, I didn’t cheat on you”, and I’ve been manipulated into doing things like not dyeing my hair because “other guys might notice you”. I’ve been told I’m a bitch and been made to feel like a crazy person, but let’s be real, who hasn’t been angry and said some maybe regrettable things during an argument or when they’ve been broken up with? Who hasn’t left one too many texts or missed calls when they person they thought they were in love with at 16 years old was ignoring them? If that makes me crazy, then you can go ahead and call me Taylor Swift.
I’ve spent time in relationships I knew I should have left a long time before, but I stayed because I either felt to guilty to leave, or I felt like I couldn’t do any better. I might have been miserable arguing and feeing like I wasn’t living my own life on my own terms - but was I going to feel more miserable on the outside, on my own? Not leaving meant I got left, and I got angry, and everything went on longer and became worse than it had to be. The biggest lesson I’ve learnt is that when it’s time for something to end, it needs to end, no matter how much it sucks at the time. And that you will be okay eventually.
The turning point for me was probably when I moved out of my parents house and moved in with one of my best friends. I definitely wasn’t ready to move out, but there’s nothing like being thrown in the deep end to make you face everything all at once and feel completely overwhelmed, but ultimately like you can face pretty much anything. Sure, I still don’t really know what I’m doing when it comes to paying my bills or insuring my car, but I’m doing it, so I must be doing something right.
And in doing all of those horrible grown-up things, alongside going on ridiculous and wonderful adventures, pulling all-nighters and going on long road trips, I came to learn that, actually, to be happy you don’t need anyone else.
Okay, that’s a lie - I need a lot of someone elses. I need my friends and my family, and right now that’s enough for me.
:) Emmy x
No comments:
Post a Comment