on assertiveness and confidence

Recently I had to go to a training course for work about handling difficult customers on the phone. It was actually less about speaking to people on the phone, and more about learning how to be assertive - rather than passive, aggressive, or passive-aggressive.

I was dreading this course for a number of reasons, the biggest one being that I know I am absolutely and completely passive. When I was younger I would hate things like talking on the phone, meeting new people, getting put into groups to work with new people and speaking up at school (my school reports always consisted of “Emma is bright and talented but needs to speak up more and gain more confidence” etc etc). The course was going to involve all of those horrible things, and some fake phone conversations that we would have to listen back to. Basically my worst nightmare!

I spent the weeks leading up to this complaining about how much I didn’t want to go on it and that it was going to be a complete waste of my time (and that I was kind of scared). And then afterwards, I reluctantly told everyone that actually it wasn’t all that bad. And so, once again reluctantly, I think I might have actually found enough good in this course to write up a decent blog post about it.

I might not actually be a passive person now that I’m almost 24. I’ve mentioned in probably both of my previous blog posts that a lot has changed for me over the past couple of years, what with moving out and becoming a kind-of adult. I guess when you get used to doing things yourself and not being able to call your parents for every little thing that goes wrong then it gets easier to do other life things without feeling that you’re about to pass out from fear and anxiety.

Turns out that “speaking up in class” is a thing I can do now. The course kind of felt like being back at school, because there were people that refused to take part, and there were people that tried to take part too much. I tried to pick a middle ground, and answer questions and give suggestions and take charge in group work when no one else was going to. These are things that, even 3 or 4 years ago, I didn’t think I was ever going to be capable of. I used to be that person that sat there with my head down hoping not to be picked on for an answer because I thought I’d be wrong and everyone would laugh or something. And so what if I did give a wrong answer, I just laughed along with everyone anyway.

So I managed to get through the group work and the speaking in front of everyone else without too much of an issue, but I still had to face the worst part. I hate admitting that I’m wrong but, actually, the worst part might have maybe just a little bit become my favourite part of the whole course? Maybe I should stop complaining about things before I know whether I’m going to completely hate them or not.

So the fake phone call consisted of someone else acting as the angry customer and me acting as myself. And I reacted as I do on every angry phone call at work, with a lot of pauses because I panic and don’t know what to say, and then with me spewing a lot of information at the customer that probably doesn’t even make sense. But then I listened back to the call.

First of all, I think vlogging has helped me out here, because I already know how stupid and annoying my voice sounds, so that’s the first barrier out of the way. And do you know what I thought when I heard myself speaking to the “angry customer”? I thought, oh, I sound quite professional. I didn’t sound nervous, and I sounded like I knew exactly what I was saying. And sure, maybe there were a couple of pauses, but apparently that’s a good thing so you can keep your cool and they can keep their cool and stuff like that. So the worst part of the whole course? Actually ended up making me feel relieved a little more confident than.

I’m not sure that this course taught me much about dealing with difficult customers - people are gonna be difficult if they want to be and there’s nothing you can do about that except try to help them and not to take anything they say personally - but it did actually teach me some things about myself I wasn’t aware of.

You don’t realise how far you’ve come until someone makes you step back and take a look. And I’ve come a long way from even the 19 year old girl that would do exactly as she was told and stay in shitty relationships that were making her miserable. I’m so much more in control of my emotions and my reactions than I have ever been, and I have enough confidence in myself to speak up and stand up for myself when I need to.

And I think if you could have seen me at 16, you’d be as proud of me as I am.

:) Emmy x

on being single (and happy!)

When you tell people that you’ve been single for four years, or you’ve not kissed a guy in however long, or you’ve not had sex in even longer than that… people kind of look at you like you’re crazy. When you tell them that this past weekend you went to the airport or Capital Radio and stood there for however many hours to meet one of your favourite bands, I’ve found that one of the most common responses is, “you need to get a boyfriend”.

But a boyfriend is one thing I absolutely do not have time for.

First of all, I can’t even imagine balancing an extra person on top of work, managing a household, friends, family, and of course bands and tours and trips to the airport. And I’m pretty sure there isn’t anyone out there that would want to take 10th place to all of those things.

Secondly, from my previous experiences, relationships are fun for a little while, but then it all just falls apart and you argue and you’re miserable and you end up getting hurt. And right now I’m not willing to risk the happiness I’ve found for something like that.

I have been single for about four years now, and to be completely honest, those four years have been the best of my life. I used to think that I needed someone else to be happy, that I needed someone to love me and be there to help me with things like taking my car to the garage and moving the sofa to the other room and getting rid of spiders. It took at least two of the last four years, but I’ve finally learnt that, actually, I can do all of those things on my own… with the occasional bit of help from my friends.

I seem to have a bad habit of attracting guys that, to put it simply, are total douchebags. Maybe not in life all the time, and maybe not towards everyone they meet, but at least they were to me. Maybe that’s something to do with them not being the right person for me, or me for them. I’ve dated guys that broke things off because they “just aren’t feeling it any more”, I’ve been told  “don’t worry, I didn’t cheat on you”, and I’ve been manipulated into doing things like not dyeing my hair because “other guys might notice you”. I’ve been told I’m a bitch and been made to feel like a crazy person, but let’s be real, who hasn’t been angry and said some maybe regrettable things during an argument or when they’ve been broken up with? Who hasn’t left one too many texts or missed calls when they person they thought they were in love with at 16 years old was ignoring them? If that makes me crazy, then you can go ahead and call me Taylor Swift.

I’ve spent time in relationships I knew I should have left a long time before, but I stayed because I either felt to guilty to leave, or I felt like I couldn’t do any better. I might have been miserable arguing and feeing like I wasn’t living my own life on my own terms - but was I going to feel more miserable on the outside, on my own? Not leaving meant I got left, and I got angry, and everything went on longer and became worse than it had to be. The biggest lesson I’ve learnt is that when it’s time for something to end, it needs to end, no matter how much it sucks at the time. And that you will be okay eventually.

The turning point for me was probably when I moved out of my parents house and moved in with one of my best friends. I definitely wasn’t ready to move out, but there’s nothing like being thrown in the deep end to make you face everything all at once and feel completely overwhelmed, but ultimately like you can face pretty much anything. Sure, I still don’t really know what I’m doing when it comes to paying my bills or insuring my car, but I’m doing it, so I must be doing something right.

And in doing all of those horrible grown-up things, alongside going on ridiculous and wonderful adventures, pulling all-nighters and going on long road trips, I came to learn that, actually, to be happy you don’t need anyone else.

Okay, that’s a lie - I need a lot of someone elses. I need my friends and my family, and right now that’s enough for me.

:) Emmy x

Hi! I’m Emma, but my friends call me Emmy - a nickname I decided I liked when I was 14 and I now can’t shake.

I’m almost 24 now and I feel like I’m getting old, but I’m gonna make the most of it because the last few years since I moved out have been the best of my life so far. I say moved out, technically my parents sold our house to live in a caravan and I didn’t have much of a choice but to get going - unless I wanted to live with them in the middle of nowhere and an extreme lack of WiFi. So I moved from Milton Keynes to Leicester with one of my best friends and it has literally all been upwards from there. And occasionally I get to go and visit my parents and their new kitten by the seaside, so that’s pretty great too.

A few years ago I decided to try out vlogging, which I tried to convince myself was not all just to impress a boy but it absolutely was. Said boy turned out to be a total wang and that, along with a few other things, put me off and shut down my YouTube channel for a little while. But it’s 2015 and what I have decided is the year of positivity, so I’m back to filming my dumb face and saying stupid shit on the internet. My friend Aimee suggested I start blogging along side the videos, so here we are!

So far I have posted a total of one whole video in 2015 (I know it’s almost March, even just one video is an achievement for me) but there are gonna be more on the way over the next couple of days. In the mean time, I thought that maybe it would be a good idea to update on the goals I set myself for 2015. 

To be completely honest, there’s not a lot to update on. I haven’t met Harry Styles, and I haven’t got a Luke kissing picture, and of course I haven’t yet sat down and tried to learn how to play the guitar properly. But I have been working out more, and I have been dealing with stress better and trying (and I think succeeding) to be a better person towards my friends and family. Considering it’s February, I’m gonna take what I’ve done so far as a win! 

Stick around for updates and what is hopefully gonna be the best year.

:) Emmy x